This is going to be a short little blog post. But you see, I killed a character today. I was simply going to say “I killed someone” and leave it at that, all cryptic and scary, and faintly psychopathic, but given my Google search history already when I'm research things like combat or medicinal herbs that would have been common in a kind of medieval era, I didn’t want to chance putting myself on any more watch lists. Anyway, back to my point. I killed a character.
Normally, this isn’t a big deal. I’ve killed lots of characters and as more of the books in “The Monster of Selkirk” series come to light, you’ll see that it’s not uncommon for me to kill off or maim the people you and I love most in this fictional world of mine. But I am writing the very last book in Tallis’s journey, yes, that’s right, “The Monster of Selkirk” does have an end and I am almost done writing it. There is something so bittersweet about this, something that I’ve never experienced before as a writer.
I’ve spent about five years with Tallis, or it’ll be about that when I’m done editing the last book. I’ve gotten to know her, her friends, and her world so intimately, that it’s odd for me to say good-bye. It’s time, they are ready to be “normal” in the world I have left for them, because I do like to think of it a bit like “Toy Story” where, even though I am done shaping their world, they still live and have lives. Still, I’ve spent a lot of time with these characters and I’ll miss them. I can visit them alongside everyone else who is discovering them for the first time, but it won’t be the same.
What’s really getting me now is killing my characters this close to the end, more so than the other books where someone has, in the words of Shakespeare, “shuffled off this mortal coil”. There are some deaths that are more meaningful, more long lasting to my characters then the one that I just finished writing, but given this is so close to the literal end, it stings a bit more.
What, you didn’t think I felt NOTHING when I killed a character? Every death is deliberate and has a purpose, I want those deaths to hurt, because it hurts me to let them go. But this moment feels different. Feels a bit more like choking at the last moment. This character got so close to the end but, as I’m writing, I realize they can’t go on. These characters are guiding me to their end and it’s weird, and beautiful, and sad.
This is 100% a writer problem (probably an actor problem too, actually, when they are done performing a certain character or play, I’d imagine), and I just needed to air that out because I’m in a weird place right now. I’m about to write the climax and I am not mentally in a place where I can do that because of this character. Which is phenomenal! But weird, very weird.
Tell me friends, am I alone in my feelings? Is it weird that I feel this way (or, too weird rather)? Does this even make sense? Please make me feel like I’m not crazy. And no, I won’t tell you who dies, I will never reveal those kinds of spoilers! I’ll be fine in a few days I’m sure, but until then, tell me your thoughts on the matter, I’d love to hear from you!